Disconnected

It’s been a while.

But no, it’s been a year since I last wrote to you. I don’t even know why I stopped or why I bothered to write all these letters when I know you would never read it. Maybe, I wanted to fool myself into pretending that you were beside me instead, listening to me talk, instead of reading what I wrote. Maybe, I wanted to believe that in an alternate universe, in another lifetime, I’m sitting beside you, my head on your shoulder and I could feel your faint heartbeat.

All these pretenses kept me going. It gave me something to hold on to, something to believe in. But I knew deep in my heart, it was just pretend. It would never happen.

But still, here I am, writing this letter at 11:09 in the evening. I should be sleeping but I find myself thinking about you, about us. Wondering what happened, what I did wrong that you turned away from me.

Do you know how hard it was? How you broke my heart? One moment, we were sitting close to each other, whispering stories and laughing. But the next, you wouldn’t even look at me, you wouldn’t even listen.

The moment you left me hanging was the day I knew I had fallen in love. What is it with me and guys like you? Did you know that I would find myself falling in love with you once you were gone? Did you know that would happen, that I would have to live a life always wondering, “What if?

You couldn’t have known. You wouldn’t have done that on purpose right? You wouldn’t hurt me like that.

I wanted so much to forget you, but I couldn’t. I see you everywhere. From the books I read to the poems I write. I see you on the park, walking slowly, listening to your IPod, and a crease on your forehead. I see you on the benches, writing poems in your head. I see you leaning on the bookshelves, browsing through the pages of a novel that caught your eye. You were an illusion, a memory I tried to preserve.

But that’s all you could ever be, a memory that I wanted to last. As the days went by, I realized it wasn’t really you I was longing for; it was the feeling of being in love with someone that I wanted to last. It was the memory of having someone that I missed. I got so used to moving on that I forgot that my heart was already mended. It took me too long to realize that I already had the closure I needed.

My heart already said goodbye, but my mind didn’t listen. It still thinks I’m lost in love, drowning in tears. I’m not.

 

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