Category Archives: Thoughts

To the man I love, my soulmate

I like to think that we are reincarnations of our past selves. That hundreds of years ago, we promised that we would find each other again. That we would fall in love all over again, like it was the first time we fell for someone.

I like to think that this separation of ours is only temporary because in our next lives, the universe will conspire to bring us together, that we would meet again under better circumstances. That even though we have no recollection of our past, it would still feel like we have known each other before, loved each other before, that each time, when we held hands, when we are in each other’s arms, it would feel like we were born for that moment, for the sole purpose to be together.

There will be quiet nights when we would look at the stars and you would wrap your arms around me as I sit in your lap. I would hug you back and caress your shoulder, the back of your neck, run my fingers through your hair. You would undress me like you were unwrapping a gift and kiss every part of me, even the ones I hate the most. And I would hate them a little less because you said you loved them. We’d lie in bed and I would hug you closer and while I sleep, you would kiss my forehead, my eyes, the bridge of my nose, my lips, and you would whisper, “I love you so much.” We’d cuddle and share our deepest thoughts, dreams and plans for the future.

In that life I would still drive you crazy and I’d still be breaking my walls to love you back. But in that life, we won’t have to run after time, or make do with the stolen moments we had. We can spend as much time together as we want, hold hands where we are. We’d never care about the people around us because they won’t matter. In both this life, and that one, I will still fall, deeply, madly, in love with you. I will still feel consumed by your love. My breath will quiver whenever you kiss me, my body will still tremble at your proximity and my heart will still beat as fast whenever you touch me.

But right now, in this life, I will hold your hand and tell you about the things I liked the most. I would leave random notes on your table and hope that you would love them. I will tell you about this song that I’ve been listening to lately and smile when you would sing it the next time we are together. I’d wait for your phone call every single day, and I would savor the sound of your voice. I would think about you when I eat my favorite food or whenever I would buy my favorite ice cream. On nights when I couldn’t sleep and every part of me is asking, “Where is he and why isn’t he here?” I would hug your jacket closer and try to see you in my dreams. We will talk about how our days went, how we missed each other even when we’re still together and how perfect it would have been if we could just stay in that moment. There will be times when I would think, “In another life, we would have been perfect for each other,” and when I look at you, I would know you were thinking the same.

Matuto Kang Magpalipad ng Saranggola

Everyone loves kites by Balakov

Matuto kang magpalipad ng saranggola.
Matuto ka at huwag mong pahahawakan sa iba,
baka mabitawan niya at tangayin
ng hangin at di niya habulin,
baka iwan niyang nakasabit sa sanga, o nakabitin
sa bakod o nag-kalat sa isang sulok.

Matuto kang magpalipad ng saranggola.
Matuto ka at huwag mong iiwan sa iba,
baka mapagod siya sa kakahawak at itali
niya kung saan at pagkatapos ay iwan
na mag isang lumalaban sa init at hangin
at pag bumagsak ay di niya pulutin.

Matuto kang magpalipad ng saranggola.
Matuto ka at kung tangayin ng hangin ay iyong habulin.
Matuto ka at kung bumagsak ay iyong pulutin.
Matuto kang magpalipad ng saranggola.
Matuto ka at kung magkaroon ng punit ay matutunan mong ayusin.

This is our story

Words are not what they used to be,
back when each word you wrote carried the weight of your hand
and with it the stories of how you learned to write
and the mistakes that taught you how.

Typewritten words are so swift and quick it has taken away
the beauty and art of writing. It does not
teach you how the wrong words, even when erased, leave a mark.
Your fingers do not carry the weight of perfecting your handwriting, you just choose
whichever font suits you and format it within seconds.
It had become a habit you’re used to doing that repeating it
over and over again
takes away everything until it becomes
nothing.

That is our story.
A bunch of words that never carried the weight of our lives
that it always left us feeling empty. We tried to bridge the gap
with words, filling the empty spaces.
But when you fill emptiness with nothing, it implodes.
And every time we made a mistake, we jumped
one step back and pretended that it never happened.
We did this over and over again that the marks our mistakes left became
permanent, we forgot it was never there when we started.

I asked you to write me a letter,
one that carried the weight of your hand, the heaviness of your thoughts,
one that carried stories of mistakes, of revisions, because you wanted your
handwriting to be perfect. But you didn’t. Instead,
you gave me one printed from a computer shop across the street because
you were too lazy to set up your printer.
The words sounded poetic, it was an ocean I had to dive deep into.
But it meant nothing.

I knew you typed that letter in five minutes, that
you didn’t bother to think of the words in advance because
you knew that you could always press delete whenever you wanted to.
You would right click one of the words and check out its synonyms
because you thought it would make the words sound better. But it didn’t.
Your letter lost its meaning from the very moment you typed it in your computer screen.

If only.
If only we learned from the start that empty words
would never fill the space between us. Maybe we wouldn’t have hearts
jagged and broken because our pieces never fit together.
Maybe we would never make those mistakes over and over again. Maybe we would never
pretend that we felt warm when we wrapped our arms around each other,
maybe we would have the strength to let go because
we knew we were better on our own.
If only. But we didn’t.

There Must Be Something

Sometimes, I’d wake up at 3AM and life would flash before me, a stop motion picture of my favorite memories: waking up in bed with you, feeling your heartbeat beneath my hand as you opened your eyes and planted a soft kiss on my lips; you’d wrap your arms around me while you played your guitar, laughing to my off-tune version of ‘Falling in Love With You’; you’d trail kisses on my shoulder while I cooked in the kitchen, then grab my hand and spin me around like we were dancing at a ball and our daughter would laugh at the silliness of it. But as the first ray of sunlight knocked on my window, I looked at the empty side of my bed, realizing I was remembering memories that never happened, instead created.

Framing Silhouettes

jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography

Looking at my portfolio and past photos, there’s one thing you’ll see in common—the photos have a soft and delicate aura. Though there’s nothing wrong with that, I’ve always wanted to try something dark and edgy. And thanks to Enrico Gutierrez, an awesome and talented photograph, I can now cross one of the items in my bucket list.

Here are some of the photos from our shoot:

jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography jade herrera enrico gutierrez emotive photography

Fall Down

How can I be an angel
when you clipped my wings
and burned up the feathers?

My feet are blistered
and bleeding
from running after the wind,
jumping
and hoping
that the breeze
would carry me
where it blows.

But I fall to the ground,
my balance lost,
flight unregained.

I stand up
and jump again.