Diary, English, Journaling, Life, Poetry, Thoughts

This is our story

Words are not what they used to be,
back when each word you wrote carried the weight of your hand
and with it the stories of how you learned to write
and the mistakes that taught you how.

Typewritten words are so swift and quick it has taken away
the beauty and art of writing. It does not
teach you how the wrong words, even when erased, leave a mark.
Your fingers do not carry the weight of perfecting your handwriting, you just choose
whichever font suits you and format it within seconds.
It had become a habit you’re used to doing that repeating it
over and over again
takes away everything until it becomes

That is our story.
A bunch of words that never carried the weight of our lives
that it always left us feeling empty. We tried to bridge the gap
with words, filling the empty spaces.
But when you fill emptiness with nothing, it implodes.
And every time we made a mistake, we jumped
one step back and pretended that it never happened.
We did this over and over again that the marks our mistakes left became
permanent, we forgot it was never there when we started.

I asked you to write me a letter,
one that carried the weight of your hand, the heaviness of your thoughts,
one that carried stories of mistakes, of revisions, because you wanted your
handwriting to be perfect. But you didn’t. Instead,
you gave me one printed from a computer shop across the street because
you were too lazy to set up your printer.
The words sounded poetic, it was an ocean I had to dive deep into.
But it meant nothing.

I knew you typed that letter in five minutes, that
you didn’t bother to think of the words in advance because
you knew that you could always press delete whenever you wanted to.
You would right click one of the words and check out its synonyms
because you thought it would make the words sound better. But it didn’t.
Your letter lost its meaning from the very moment you typed it in your computer screen.

If only.
If only we learned from the start that empty words
would never fill the space between us. Maybe we wouldn’t have hearts
jagged and broken because our pieces never fit together.
Maybe we would never make those mistakes over and over again. Maybe we would never
pretend that we felt warm when we wrapped our arms around each other,
maybe we would have the strength to let go because
we knew we were better on our own.
If only. But we didn’t.

Diary, English, Journaling, Life, Poetry, Thoughts


How do you decide to leave someone?


Where do words go
when they are not used?

Do they sleep in beds
covered with blankets
to keep them warm
and alive?

Do they fall in love?
Are subjects and predicates
forever intertwined?

Are adverbs stronger
than verbs?
Are pronouns understudy
of nouns?
Are prepositions for finding
lost things only?
Are adjectives merely colors
used to paint the world?
Are interjections more emotional
than punctuations?

I sat there,
when you came in.
A question formed
in your lips
and in your eyes
I found the answer.

English, Journaling, Life, Photography, Poetry

Scratch Paper

Why do writers waste so much paper? I asked you that once. You laughed as you pulled me into your lap. You answered me in hushed tones, whispers that spoke of mistakes you must make to come up with something beautiful, of things you must waste to find a jewel.

Am I a scratch paper? I asked. You held my face then kissed my forehead, then my nose, then my lips. No, you aren’t. You are my muse.

edgeofjade - photography 1
(c) Dean Canizo


Diary, English, Journaling, Life, Poetry, Thoughts

Time Travel

“You broke my bestfriend’s heart. Why would you think I’d let you break mine?” I asked him.

“If only I could turn back time,” he said.

“Then what? You’d break her heart all over again?”

He looked at me and said, “No. So I could have met you first and fallen in love with you instead.”

“I don’t think that’s possible.”

“I know. That’s why I’m trying hard to make this work.”


For the Notebooks I Never Got to Use


Have you ever found yourself buying notebooks just because the cover or paper was cute? I do this most of the time when I’m at a bookstore, at novelty shops and pretty much wherever I see notebooks.

Last month, while cleaning my dorm room, I found a stash of unused notebooks in my closet. There were about a dozen of them, covered in a thin layer of dust just waiting to be picked up and used. I felt really bad when I saw the notebooks. I remember saying to myself that I would use them to write poems, journals and stories but I never did. I sat down and picked each notebook up. Brushing away the dust, I opened it and flipped through the pages, trying to catch that sweet scent of paper and yet, all I could smell was dust. I thought to myself, how would the notebook feel if it was human? Would it feel sad, depressed, alone and unwanted? Or would it think that it was nothing but a pretty face?

I asked myself why I never used the notebooks? Was it because I was busy or was I uninspired? But no. The reason behind that was very simple. I didn’t want to use it because I was afraid to make a mistake, leave an ugly mark or rip off a page. But if I don’t use it, the notebook would soon lose its essence until it becomes an object only taken for its face value.

That’s when I realized that unused notebooks are just like the people we love. Sometimes, we choose to stay away from the people we love because we’re afraid of hurting them. What we don’t realize is that mistakes and problems are what makes a relationship stronger. The marks we leave in people are what they will remember us by.

I know there will come a time when these mistakes will end relationship, but that shouldn’t stop us from loving and interacting with other people. After all, there are four types of people in our lives. Those who are meant to stay with you, those whom you will briefly meet but will change your life, those who will abandon you and those whom you have to let go of.

I’m trying to make a difference. It’ll take a while before I use all the notebooks I stashed. But one day, I will look back at these notebooks, browsing through the pages and reminiscing every word I ever wrote. And like memories, I will tuck them in every corners of my life to share with the people I cherish.

Disclaimer: Photos taken from Tumblr and link back to the sources

Diary, Journaling, Life

My Life in Studio Ghibli’s Animated Movies

Out of all animated movies, I love Studio Ghibli’s the most. Not Disney, not Pixar, but Studio Ghibli. Their movies draw away from simply pleasing and entertaining the audience but encourages them to think critically and discover underlying themes that they could interpret for themselves. I also realized that their characters, fiction they may be, reflect real situations in life.

That’s why when I had another bout of Studio Ghibli marathon, I purposely tried to find scenes from Studio Ghibli movies that would reflect situations that happened in my life.

This scene from Ponyo, really stuck with me, because this is how my day usually begins. It’s a beautiful morning and exciting things are bound to happen but I’d rather stay in bed, cuddle with my pillows and dream.

tumblr_mydm9nHRoS1qgbb3so1_250tumblr_mydm9nHRoS1qgbb3so2_250   tumblr_mydm9nHRoS1qgbb3so4_250tumblr_mydm9nHRoS1qgbb3so3_250

Another memorable scene from Ponyo. This reminds of how, when I was a kid, I would try to prank my cousins but I ended up getting hurt. It made me realize that pranks and playing aren’t always fun. Sometimes, it also hurts. Looking back, I think it was one of the times when I learned that happiness also comes with a price. tumblr_n19ri9zHV61smejd3o1_500 This scene from Kiki’s Delivery Service, reminds me of nights when I couldn’t sleep. Instead of tossing and turning in bed, I’d get up and sit by a window and draw until I fall asleep on the table. My imagination comes at unconventional hours and trying to hold it in usually ends with eye bags and a restless night.  tumblr_n1jej6c6nK1rz2421o1_500 In life, you will often discover stones, that when polished and cared for, turns into bright jewels. This scene from Whispers of the Heart taught me that no matter how ordinary things may look like, it has something special within it just waiting to be discovered.tumblr_mu6mzlCTTL1qc006to1_500 The first time I saw Kaonashi (No-Face Man) in Spirited Away, I was freaked out. He looked too creepy to be in a children’s animated movie. But I realized that two of us actually had a lot in common. We were often misunderstood and alone. Like him, there are times when people pass by you, pretending you didn’t exist because they couldn’t understand you. You hide behind a mask to hide what you feel and most of the time, find yourself in a lonely place that you just get used to it.tumblr_mrla99Ufaf1r6icreo2_r1_500tumblr_n45zrpMIHP1rt479bo1_500 Like Chihiro in Spirited Away, there are time when no matter how fast you run or wherever you go, trouble follows you. You just have to be brave to overcome your fears and troubles. Remember that your fears does not define who you are, it’s there to make you stronger. tumblr_mocd3q31sf1qhd8sao1_500 There are times when you just have to take a break and ponder about life, just like in Kiki’s Delivery Service. Take the time to reflect on the things that happened in your life, remember the mistakes you made and the lessons you learned from them. Think about the things and people who make your life worth living. tumblr_n3nzhrdmSc1r2dgsfo1_500 When the old gives you advice, listen. They have been through situations you’ve never been, made mistakes you haven’t made yet. Their wisdom is like a lamp that can light the path you are taking. tumblr_muiw1uoC9N1rf3wd1o1_500 And finally, my favorite scene from Spirited Away taught me that no matter how much you love someone, if they’re not meant to be in your life, you have to learn to let go. tumblr_n2osueE7rx1rll7syo2_500   *GIF photos taken from Tumblr (oh-totoro)