Tag Archives: moving on

To the first man I ever loved

It’s not an exaggeration when I said you were my sun. From the first moment we met, there was some sort of gravitational pull that attracted me to you, that even though I tried to escape from it, I couldn’t.
I was trapped in orbit, helplessly revolving around you as though my life depended on it. You were everything to me. My hopes, my dreams, my plans, they came alive at the touch of your proximity. You made me want for something else and you broke down the walls I built around me. With the first brick you pried loose, sunlight came trickling in. I fell, hard, mesmerized at this soft light that I hadn’t seen in a while. It was like I was seeing colors for the first time.
But I was only one planet and you had the entire universe before you. You were always looking at stars beyond your solar system, reaching planets your light couldn’t reach. And for a moment, when I thought I had your heart in my hand, comets came passing by and your eyes followed them, longing for adventures and places I’ve never been to. You were my sun but I was only one planet and I could never quite reach you. Our lives merely collided but we never really fit together.
I have found my place, my moment and I plan to keep it even if you aren’t there. Yes, you were my sun. But that was before. You aren’t now and you won’t be in the future.
You are only a fracture of a moment, a fleeting memory I will look back to from time to time. A random thought that would make me smile and hope that you finally found what you wanted, that life had been kinder to you than it was to me. You were a lesson I had to learn but you were never mine to keep.

His Name

I heard your name for the firs time in ten months today. The sound of your name stirred unbidden thoughts in my mind, as if someone threw a pebble in the pond to watch the dirt drift to the surface. I wanted to know if you were okay, if you finally got what you wanted and if life had been nicer to you than it was to me. But when I found out that you asked about me, my heart pounded a little bit faster. I wasn’t prepared for that and I was taken aback, as though I was sucked inside a wormhole, traveling back to that night when we were standing underneath the lamppost and the light illuminated your eyes, making it appear brighter than it really was. I thought at that moment, “The stars were made for us.”
I blinked and found myself staring out into space, seeing the silhouette of your body as if they were taped inside my eyelids. I thought about how it would be if I would suddenly see you standing there in front of me, our distance only an arm’s length. I doubt I could look you in the eye. I’m scared of what I might see in them. But mostly, I’m scared of what I might feel, because honestly, after all this time, I’m still not ready.

Scratch Paper Too

Sometimes, I look back and try to find when it was that I stopped being your muse. Was it during the times we fought because you wanted us to be perfect like the stories you wrote when all I wanted was for us to be real?

When did I lose my color? When did I lose my beauty? The elegance that captivated your heart and made it mine? I often asked myself these questions as I sat on a corner of your desk, running my fingers on the lines of memories you wrote on my skin. I try to read the printed paragraphs that slowly turned to broken lines and missing words because you no longer looked at me.

I remind you too much of mistake and errors you could never correct. I am filled with erasures and inscriptions of your scrawny penmanship that I often could not understand.

I quietly slip between the pages of an old book, waiting patiently for someone better to come along who will correct your mistakes, rewrite my stories and make new but better memories.

girl waiting photo

Disconnected

It’s been a while.

But no, it’s been a year since I last wrote to you. I don’t even know why I stopped or why I bothered to write all these letters when I know you would never read it. Maybe, I wanted to fool myself into pretending that you were beside me instead, listening to me talk, instead of reading what I wrote. Maybe, I wanted to believe that in an alternate universe, in another lifetime, I’m sitting beside you, my head on your shoulder and I could feel your faint heartbeat.

All these pretenses kept me going. It gave me something to hold on to, something to believe in. But I knew deep in my heart, it was just pretend. It would never happen.

But still, here I am, writing this letter at 11:09 in the evening. I should be sleeping but I find myself thinking about you, about us. Wondering what happened, what I did wrong that you turned away from me.

Do you know how hard it was? How you broke my heart? One moment, we were sitting close to each other, whispering stories and laughing. But the next, you wouldn’t even look at me, you wouldn’t even listen.

The moment you left me hanging was the day I knew I had fallen in love. What is it with me and guys like you? Did you know that I would find myself falling in love with you once you were gone? Did you know that would happen, that I would have to live a life always wondering, “What if?

You couldn’t have known. You wouldn’t have done that on purpose right? You wouldn’t hurt me like that.

I wanted so much to forget you, but I couldn’t. I see you everywhere. From the books I read to the poems I write. I see you on the park, walking slowly, listening to your IPod, and a crease on your forehead. I see you on the benches, writing poems in your head. I see you leaning on the bookshelves, browsing through the pages of a novel that caught your eye. You were an illusion, a memory I tried to preserve.

But that’s all you could ever be, a memory that I wanted to last. As the days went by, I realized it wasn’t really you I was longing for; it was the feeling of being in love with someone that I wanted to last. It was the memory of having someone that I missed. I got so used to moving on that I forgot that my heart was already mended. It took me too long to realize that I already had the closure I needed.

My heart already said goodbye, but my mind didn’t listen. It still thinks I’m lost in love, drowning in tears. I’m not.

 

My Heart is Partly Mended

My heart’s partly mended

And I want it to be whole,

I guess the wounds you left when you hurt me

Were cast so deep within.

 

My heart feels like breaking

When I’ve tried to mend it back.

I’ve stitched it back together,

But you keep on cutting it up.

 

My heart’s already bleeding

Trying hard to keep on beating

And now that it’s been crying,

I’m trying hard to go on smiling.

 

Oh please why don’t you just leave me alone?

I’m alright now, my life has to go on.

Though i know no one can fill the empty space you’ve left in my heart

I’m gonna mend this broken heart of mine.

 

Though it’s partly whole

And partly broken,

I know in the right time

It’ll be whole again.

Dear John

When nightfall comes and I’m alone

I knew you’d left and not return

Your footsteps echoed in my mind

As you disappeared along with time.

The warmth of your hands in my palms

Faded away like footprints in the sand

I can’t hear you sing my favorite songs

Your laughter is gone and everything feels wrong.

Hugging this teddy bear closer

That’s all I have left of you

I remember the days when your love was mine

And I woke up and still had you.

When time stands still and the rain runs dry

The night goes on and the stars collide

I’ll try and forget you

It will break my heart but I’ll get through.

Your eyes were my home

An assurance that I was loved

But when my path strayed away from you

I had to leave my heart with you.

You promised you’d wait for me to return

That you would still be my home

But dearest John while I was gone

You went away never to return.

And when the sun cries and the flowers smile

The butterflies sing and grasses weep

I’ll try and forget you

It’ll be hard but I’ll get through.

Dear John why’d you go?

You moved on now and I’ll try too.

But we both know

It’ll be hard to stop loving you.

So when the fire goes cold and teardrops laugh

Leaves will bleed and trees will sit.

I’ll learn to forget about you

And I’ll stop loving you…

I’ll try and forget you

It’ll be hard but I’ll get through

But dearest John we both know

I’d have died but I’d never stopped loving you.